Military Wives Matter
Posted on behalf of guest author, Colleen Lewy. Please visit the Guest Authors page to learn more about Colleen.
I used to know everything…
Approximately three years ago, our research team got a grant to learn how best to help military families through the internet. While we were certainly pleased, we were also a bit surprised. National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH) grants are hard to get these days. Really hard. While our team had plenty of experience doing research on mental health and addiction, we didn’t have a lot of experience with military culture. So applying for this grant was a bit of a long shot. But how much difference would that experience make anyway? People are people, right?
Oh how naïve we all were. At first our plan was to teach military family members how to “re-frame” the problems they were up against as a way to ward off depression and/or to figure out how to handle PTSD symptoms. We also said that we’d use pre-existing generic materials to educate military families about mental health conditions like traumatic brain injury (TBI), and that we’d do the whole thing on the internet. Mind you, the grant we wrote was based on a search of all the other published research done on the military and their families. We learned several things there. First, there is a mental health crisis with post deployed veterans and their families. As bad as that is, it is only going to get worse. Also, many veterans and their families don’t have access to VA centers, bases or other forms of support and that many veterans are leery of reporting mental health symptoms to the VA. Based on this information, we charged ahead to build our website.
Because I had one brain cell left, I decided that before we created our website, we should interview military family members before we went any further. And that’s when our real education began…
We managed to interview a bunch of the most amazing people. They were very kind but direct. Here is what we learned. First, veterans’ problems aren’t veteran’s problems. They’re family problems. Second, veterans and their families are incredibly resilient – because they have to be. Third, military life should be viewed as a culture and approaching it from the outside is completely useless.
Based on this feedback along with help from an Iraqi veteran who joined our research team, we revamped our entire project. We took out the generic educational materials and rewrote them with military families in mind. We completely dropped the idea of teaching family members to re-frame their issues because coming up with a different way of seeing what can be a pretty horrifying situation (husband with PTSD, no job, depression, etc.) seems clueless – at best.
We also decided to focus just on military wives and I realize we’re going to get some flak for this. That’s okay. Military husbands are extremely important, but the majority of military spouses are women and we found these two groups have very different needs. We found that with the money we had, we could either do a good job with one group, or we could do a mediocre job with several groups. With more funding, we’d like to expand the website to cover male spouses, parents, and children.
After three years of struggling to put something reasonable together, our website (www.militarywivesmatter.org) finally went live at the end of May, 2010. It isn’t perfect, there are things I would like to change, but at least we’re up and running.
At this point, we are actively recruiting military wives who have been feeling blue and/or who worry that their husbands may have PTSD. We ask website participants to fill out a questionnaire when they join the study with follow-up surveys after one and three months. The information collected is completely confidential. We ask for e-mail addresses but not names. Participants also get access to all of the materials we’ve created on a variety of subjects like PTSD, what normal readjustment looks like, the effect of deployment on the kids, coping, etc. We ask for participant feedback on these materials so we can improve them for the future.
This project has been very humbling. We’ve learned just how little we know and we’re not alone. We have also discovered just how many people really don’t understand the challenges that many veterans and their families face, and this is dangerous. If people don’t know there is a need and how to address it, it likely won’t be addressed. So far, I’ve given presentations to a 4-star general, two U.S. Congressmen and soon a state senator. I am telling all of them that we are doing research to find out what kinds of support actually help military wives and their families. They are interested. And that is a good place to start.
If you are a military wife and have felt sad or worry that your husband may have PTSD, please visit our website (www.militarywivesmatter.org). If you are interested but don’t fit in those categories, drop me a line at milwivesmatter@ohsu.edu. I’d love to hear any suggestions on topics, future research ideas, or just say “hi.”
Thanks for being a military spouse.
Colleen LewyOregon Health & Science University
Tragedy; Giving it Meaning
“There’s no tragedy in life like the death of a child. Things never get back to the way they were.” Dwight David Eisenhower
Regardless of the battle being fought; tragedy is often a result. For those left behind, it’s a conscious decision to give it meaning.
Several years ago I was contributing my marketing services to a committee responsible for producing an annual Women’s Conference at one of the installations. The conference was originally designed to help military newbies get acclimated through educational seminars about military life. However, times change – as do the types of sessions that will draw more attendance. The conference now incorporated self-defense, salsa dancing, line dancing, floral design, self-improvement, and fashion; the agenda had evolved from its educational heritage.
During one of our committee meetings it was brought to our attention that we had a last-minute cancellation of an instructor and now, with only a few weeks remaining, we had to fill that slot. A lady who had only recently joined the committee (later identified as Carol) raised her hand and said “”I could try to speak and share our story””. The committee chairperson was apparently the only person in the room who was familiar with “her story”. When others asked “What’s the topic”, Carol replied “Surviving Tragedy”.
In a room full of women who were excited about the new agenda and learning Salsa dancing, you can imagine how quiet the room became. I mean Surviving Tragedy is hardly a topic that would be a big draw for attendance…………..or at least that’s what they thought. One lady even said “I don’t know about using that word”, to which Carol replied, “Which word? SURVIVING or TRAGEDY”. In an effort to break the silence, the committee chair said to me “You’re the marketing guru. Perhaps the two of you can work together to come up with a more appealing name for that session”.
At that time I had no idea if Carol was a trained therapist who helps others who are struggling with tragedy ……………or a survivor planning to deliver material based on her own personal experiences. I also had no idea she was the wife of a Major General, but I’m guessing if she hadn’t been, the committee might have been less accommodating about incorporating her topic into the new conference format.
We traded email addresses and phone numbers but didn’t discuss much else about the session during that meeting. I left there with the task of making what was perceived to be a “pitiful topic”……….a more marketable lure to attend the conference. It was a bit of a struggle because ~ let’s face it ~ how do you put a positive spin on tragedy?!?!
I didn’t want to make light of her topic, especially since we were all military wives, which could easily mean the subject of “tragedy” would be coming from her heart….as opposed to a chosen career path. I came up with about five alternative session titles that I actually thought – considering the circumstances – were pretty decent. She very pleasantly replied to my suggestions by saying “Thank you for your attempt, but there’s not really a session title more appropriate than Surviving Tragedy, and let me explain why”.
By now you might be familiar with the Carol and Major General Mark Graham story. They were the parents of two sons and a daughter; an idealistic family whose lives took a drastic detour they could not have anticipated. Carol was a high school guidance counselor who focused on “at risk kids”, never realizing that her own straight A, pre-med, ROTC Scholarship son fell into that category; when their youngest son (Kevin) reached out for help for depression, the family did not recognize the signs and certainly never thought it could be life threatening! He committed suicide.
While still grieving his death, just seven months later their other son (Jeffrey, A Lieutenant in the Army) was killed by a roadside bomb in Iraq. Although the Army offered Jeffrey a position in a non-deploying unit because of the death of his younger brother, Jeffrey said he needed to be with his soldiers and wanted to serve his country. 2LT Jeffrey Graham was killed while leading his platoon on a dismounted patrol in Khaldiyah, Iraq on 19 February 2004. Jeff spotted an IED taped to a guard rail and warned his platoon moments before the bomb was detonated.
By the time I finished reading her reply, I couldn’t help feeling miniscule by comparison ~ that I, who had been blessed with a pretty charmed life ~ had been tasked with “dressing up” her story. Although I normally would never betray a trust by passing along an email that was intended for me, I felt compelled to share it with the Committee Chair along with my comment “This lady has clearly earned the right to call this session what ever she sees fit. I won’t be trying to camouflage its title.” Committee Chair was 100% in agreement.
That Women’s Conference was in very close proximity to an Army hospital where many of our wounded warriors are sent for treatment. Although Carol’s topic did not fit the original vision for a Women’s Conference, it turned out to be the most relevant session as a result of the unspeakable (often life and death) problems being endured by our soldiers and their families. Carol’s session provided encouraging words, and almost everyone at the conference chose her session over what was originally perceived as more popular topics. Five years later, and after working together on a number of fundraisers and on the memorial website for her sons, we are very grateful for the conference that brought us together.
Carol Graham is the military survivor representative for the Suicide Prevention Action Network for the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. Her husband is the Deputy Chief of Staff for Plans/Training/Operations for FORSCOM at Fort McPherson, Ga. Army leadership has asked them to travel around the country to share their story in an effort to save lives and give hope. In their eyes, all our soldiers represent their two sons.
Carol also works very closely with Bonnie Carroll, the founder of TAPS (Tragedy Assistance Program for Survivors; http://www.taps.org/ ). Bonnie founded TAPS after losing her own husband to war, and now TAPS is a household name for Gold Star Families – families who are grieving the death of a loved one serving our country. These two woman have gone way beyond “Surviving” their tragedies; if there’s such thing as embracing tragedy, that’s what they have done.
So often in the face of tragedy, families ask themselves “how could God let this happen?” Carol and Bonnie truly believe that everything does happen for a reason but that some things they just won’t be able to understand this side of eternity. Clearly both of these brave women have drawn strength from their faith and have given significant purpose to their losses.
To learn more about the Graham’s story or for valuable suicide prevention resources please follow this link to their memorial website. (http://grahammemorial.com/index.html) By educating yourself about the warning signs, and offering your hand to someone who may be contemplating suicide, you can save a life!
If you know other strong women who are making the world a better place as a result of their own personal tragedy, please share their story with us.
MZspouse
